I used to always fantasize about what life would look like in the future. The picture I painted is what dreams are made of. With each passing year I realized that fairy tales don’t factor in the interruptions of real life and with each passing year, disappointment lodged deeper into my heart. One would think that by 33, I would have dealt with this heart issue and moved on, yet here I am approaching my birthday, facing the ugly truth head on.

Here’s my confession: I often try to avoid disappointment by finding more things to look forward to. The next vacation. The next break. The next celebration. The next house. The next season. Speeding through the present to get to the future trying to fool proof and over plan to avoid more disappointment. After years of this I started noticing that even when good things happened, it still didn’t feel like enough. I would have these weird high and low moments and the low moments would come immediately after the good thing was over. Was I expecting more disappointment around the corner? What happened to my joy? I was trying to maintain it with temporary fleeting things that are indeed good, but just can’t last. So, I would chase to get that high again. There always had to be a next thing to top the last thing.

How has that worked for me? Running myself ragged trying to follow through with my plans while not making enough room for the things that provide real sustenance to my soul and spirit is like running on fumes. I just couldn’t see how damaging that was becoming to my soul and spirit. Imagine starving and only eating one cracker and a swig of water per day to get by. Talk about famished, a resemblance of my spiritual life. It took several people who aren’t even connected to each other to say to me, “Girl, you are doing the most.” I was in denial for a while because I felt like I was handling it all okay. But I kept hearing that statement more and more. Apparently, I hadn’t taken a long look in the mirror. They saw what I refused to see.

“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” -Matthew 16:24 ESV

The life of a true believer and follower of Christ is one submitted.

I got tired of running. I knew better than to think I could function long term off a scripture and a prayer with the Lover of my soul. A couple months ago, I knelt before the Lord and repented. I surrendered my feeble attempt to control my own narrative and confessed to Him what I confessed in this blog. I expressed my need for Him because I suck at doing this on my own and I asked Him to show me how to move forward and trust He knows best even if it means letting go. I talked to my husband and we prayed together. Since that day, my spirit has been renewed. My heart has softened. I’ve embraced His plans over mine, and though it isn’t always easy to submit, I know it is for my good. (Romans 8:28)

I wanted to share this because it’s so tempting to want to share from the mountaintop. That’s not real life though. The truth is that if I don’t look to Jesus, trust in Jesus, and rest in Jesus daily, I am a full court mess as Lecrae used to say. Everyone has days in the valley and on those days, it’s tempting to lose sight of the fact that Jesus IS the good in our lives. We like to measure His goodness only by what He provides and what He does for us. But He IS the good gift. His presence in our lives holds value long after the money is spent, and the good times have rolled. So, on this 33rd birthday I am going to celebrate what the Lord has done and patiently look forward with hope to the ways He will continue His work in me and our world.

My prayer today is if you have struggles that you are avoiding or suppressing, you will take this opportunity to surrender and seek the Lord. Jesus loves us so much and cares about us, and He desires a relationship with us, one in which we will trust and delight in Him. If you have prayed in faith to Him for the first time, tell someone you know personally who can walk with you through what it looks like to trust in Jesus.