Can a person be overcome with sorrow and still have joy? Can they battle feelings of despair yet have hope? Can you struggle to believe that you can be free from the depths of whatever dark place you’re in yet also believe in Jesus’ finished work on the cross? These are real questions I’ve asked myself in the past several months. I mentioned in my last post, that though life is going great circumstantially, I am fighting through an internal battle. Let me explain.

After having my third baby Alivia this past May, newborn euphoria pulled me through the first two months of sleep deprivation and transition from two to three children. But that euphoria slowly faded into the blues and I found it harder and harder to feel motivated to do the simplest things. I didn’t give it much attention at first because I experienced a short time of baby blues after the birth of my other two children and pulled through it pretty quickly. Ignoring it unfortunately led me deeper and deeper into an apathetic state. Things that normally would uplift me couldn’t. Social anxiety doubled. I struggled to pray because I couldn’t find the words. Anyone who knows me well knows I LOVE to pray. The biggest red flag for me was when I began to question why anything mattered anymore. And then in came shame and denial. How can someone who believes and follow Jesus struggle with these things? Pride hindered me from sharing my struggle for a long time because I like to be the helper, the encourager, the “strong” one. Why can’t I just shake this off and move forward? Is this postpartum depression? Not fully sure, but this is an unfamiliar place and I wanted to get out quickly.

The problem with wanting a quick fix was I began trying to control as much as I could to feel normal again.

I figured maybe I was unhappy with my postpartum body so I started a diet and workout regimen as soon as I got my 6 week clearance. I thought maybe we’re getting stir crazy spending too much time in the house so I created a routine of getting out twice a week with the kids. I felt that maybe I needed a break to just have fun so I tried attending and hosting more things to get that social time in. Or maybe a better cleaning routine would produce more peace in the atmosphere of my home. You may be thinking that these are all good things to do. Don’t get me wrong, they are. But the problem was in the thick of feeling completely not myself and overwhelmed with a tsunami of emotions that seemed to drown any source of joy, the last thing I needed was more to do.

So how did all this doing turn out?

I got worn the heck out. I couldn’t keep up trying to do all of this perfectly on top of taking care of three young children. Showing up with a hello and a smile was getting harder to do. I ended up gaining more weight than I ever have in my life using food to cope with all of my “failures” and then looking at the unrecognizable person in the mirror asking, “How did I get here?”

Why am I sharing all of this? Am I looking for sympathy or perhaps attention? Not at all. I am thankful to have a circle of support including my husband who knows everything and are lovingly walking with me through this. I want to be as vulnerable as wisely possible on this journey of delighting daily, which means I don’t intend to wait until I’ve overcome every situation to look back and say if I can do it you can. The side by side before and after have their place, but what about those moments in the valley? How do I delight there? What does it look like to trust Jesus in a place of uncertainty? This is why I share.

This experience has humbled me so much. If I didn’t know my limits before, I definitely know them now. The most miraculous thing about where I am is I see so much good in it. Even on the hardest days, I still have a joy and hope that is immovable regardless of how I feel. Jesus and the promises of His Word anchor me daily. I have so much more compassion and understanding for those who have shared similar struggles for much longer than me and yet fear sharing out of fear of being judged or misunderstood. The boundless love of Jesus has given me the freedom to be ok with being seen and known in a place where I would honestly prefer to stay hidden.

To prevent this post from becoming a novel, I will share more in my next post about how focusing more on Jesus and less on my struggle has impacted my journey so far.

My biggest prayer for you is that you come to know and experience this unconditional love that Jesus haves for and offers to all. It’s a love that’s the same yesterday, today, and forevermore (Hebrews 13:8).