I was beside myself. I looked in the mirror and suddenly saw someone I didn’t recognize. Who in the world is that? From that moment on, I started on a journey that was dark and painful, yet simultaneously freeing and joyful.

Ever since postpartum with my first child, I struggled with setting boundaries on my eating habits. It started with breastfeeding issues. I was encouraged by well-meaning people to eat more, but not taught what that looked like. If you know post-partum hunger, then you know how dangerous those words can be especially for someone lacking self-control. Ignorantly, I took their advice the same day, guiltlessly eating whatever I wanted in the name of milk production. I did not consider the consequences because I always ate whatever I wanted prior to becoming a mother, and because I was a fit person who didn’t gain weight quickly, the little I would gain could be easily worked off after skipping a few desserts and running some laps. That was before my body transformed to make way for a new life. Now, the number on the scale is climbing faster than I could run.

Fast forward to my second pregnancy. It ended in a devastating loss. The grief and other life transitions led to me eating even more to cope with all that I couldn’t control. It was hard to accept that my vision of pregnancy and motherhood was not going the way I dreamed and for some reason, a chocolate brownie or two or six seemed to make everything feel alright, even when I knew it wasn’t. With those habits I continued the roller coaster of weight loss and gain.

God blesses us with another baby. A son. What a delight and blessing. However, some unexpected challenges arose with him that led to months on end of me being crippled with fear and anxiety. Add the pandemic and I began to grow comfortable isolating many days at home with two young children and some baby blues, making it even more difficult to prioritize my physical health. I continued a dangerous cycle of eating my way through my emotional struggles and then feeling guilty and trying some new diet or “lifestyle change”, promising myself that I was gonna get it right this time.

My fourth pregnancy sadly ended in miscarriage and then came my fifth pregnancy, in which I experienced the spontaneous unplanned home birth of the sweetest little 37-week baby girl that my eyes did see. When this little girl was born, it seemed as though all my troubles melted away. I adored her and felt so blessed for the family God had given me. That lasted until about 3 months post-partum. I was sleep deprived, as most moms of newborns are, but this time I responded differently. Not only was my eating out of control, but I would also get so overwhelmed just at the thought of getting out of bed. I would lay there most mornings thinking of everything I was now responsible for and wondering why God would possibly think I’m capable of doing these things. Soon, personal hygiene was even too difficult. All the while, I’m putting on more weight but with a smile I continued to show up best I knew how for my family, friends, and whoever else needed me. Periodically, I’d post photos on social media with cute captions about the joys of my children. I never dared to include myself in those photos lest someone witness how I really looked most of the time.

This went on for eight more months before I realized that I was experiencing post-partum depression. I had heard about it many times but denied that I was going through it because previously the things that I usually did to pull through worked. But no matter how much strength I tried to muster to pray, read my bible, and surrender my emotions, I couldn’t do it. My love for Jesus never changed, but my faith in His ability to deliver me from this did.  At that point I knew I needed someone to walk with me. I began reaching out to friends and family to express how I was feeling. I was blessed with so much love, support, and encouragement and they all graciously walked with me through and out of that dark season about a year later.

I wish I could say it was over and I was on the mountain top, but this was only the beginning…