You can imagine the look on my husband’s face when I told him that I was done. Done. That was my word of choice instead of the other “D” word.

Perhaps that meant I was more emotional than serious? I don’t know, but what I do know is that he became very alert and direct in his response. He asked me to sit down, looked me in the eye and said, “We have to fast and pray.” That was the last thing I wanted to hear. Pray? I don’t want to pray about this. And I certainly wasn’t trying to fast.  But my husband was relentless.

He knew. He knew the Timilah he married would never think to disrespect her Lord in such a manner. The Timilah he knew would never scoff at the idea of prayer. He was aware that I was facing a spiritual battle and he knew that our only way of engaging in it would be to surrender totally to God.

The first three days of our 30 day fast, I went through the motions. I didn’t want to submit because I knew the moment I bended my knees in surrender, the truth was going to overtake me and the light was going to expose the sin taking root in my heart to cause such apathy. But after day three, the conviction was too great.

Even in my rebellion the Holy Spirit continued to beckon me to taste and see. I was reminded about God’s goodness and faithfulness. I began to think of all the hard things He brought me through that once upon a time felt like the worst days of my life. I thought about His mercy and His patient love toward me. It was overwhelming.

I remember feeling weak, overcome with sorrow over my sin.

I barely made it to my closet before my knees buckled and I laid flat on the floor. I confessed it all. I confessed every sin I could think of including my food addiction. I confessed that I was unable to change on my own. I acknowledged my need for Jesus and willfully surrendered. After that, I found my husband and confessed to him too.

Words can’t fully encapsulate what confession did. I just remember feeling the heaviness lift. I felt free. I felt fully seen yet fully loved right in that moment. I strayed away from the Shepherd of my soul seeking fulfillment in the arms of empty promises. But the Lord already knew where that path would lead. He never left me. He kept calling me to come back to Him, to come back to the Good Shepherd.

There is so much gratitude in my heart as I write this post. I thank God for using my husband to draw me back in. My husband knew that the best response would be to consult the Lord. What if he reacted instead of responding? I thank God for His patience though I consistently turned away from Him. I thank God that through Jesus shed blood, I am forgiven.

I am still a work in progress today. I have so much work to do in my daily fight to delight and submit my whole life to the glory of God, but I am fighting until the death. The Lord has been too good for me to turn back. Great is His faithfulness.

If you have followed along thus far, I want to thank you. Sometimes the vulnerability of others can be uncomfortable. What do we do with these intimate stories? My prayer is that it causes you to evaluate your own life. Where in your life are you refusing to submit to the Lord? What can you confess to Him today? How can you actively turn from what’s drawing you away to devote yourself to the Lord?

He loves us so much. He loved us first. How will you respond to His love?