Losing the Battle?

Photo by Zanuch on Canva

I kept all these feelings bottled inside because I wasn’t bold enough to express them to anyone.

But I’m sure words weren’t needed as my attitude and body language spoke much louder anyway. There was no joy radiating at all.  I was doing just enough to get by in every area. Still eating my cares away, I made less and less effort with my physical appearance. Church attendance became a check on the box.  And it never seemed my husband could do anything without my unwanted critique or look of dissatisfaction. If I could just get away from all of this, just get a break, I would feel so much better.

This went on for several months before my husband suggested we seek pastoral counsel. I was willing to listen, but I was not very hopeful that much would come from the session. Bitterness, resentment, and frustration crowded my heart, and I could only focus on cycling the pain and disappointment around in my mind.

After intently listening to my husband and I, our pastor began to speak into some of the things that he discerned as the root to my issue. Amongst many of the encouraging yet convicting things he shared, what gripped my heart the most was when he looked at me and said with the calmest voice, “You’re more sinful than you think.” In the session, I didn’t show just how much of a blow that was to my prideful heart, but you better believe when I returned home, I was beside myself.

I humbled myself enough to attempt to do some personal work through studying recommended resources and talking with my husband, but I was still stubbornly holding on to my pride and distracted by an upcoming trip.

My husband and I planned an international trip to Kenya, Africa a year in advance to celebrate our 10-year anniversary. To be honest, I was feeling more enthusiastic about the trip than celebrating marriage with my husband.

The trip was of course amazing. We saw a lot, experienced a lot, and I had plenty of time to think about my life as well. In all that thinking I chose to focus more on how I felt in the here and now while experiencing new things and people. The idea of exploring options was becoming more appealing than returning to what felt like the hamster wheel back home. Discontentment continued to grow in my heart. I avoided prayer and seeking God’s wisdom concerning my perspective because dreaming about what could be was much easier. A willful rebellion.

As the days of our trip were ending, I felt grief. I didn’t want to go back home to motherhood, homemaking, and homeschool. I didn’t want to submit to my husband. I wanted to take the limits off, travel the world, and trade the everyday mundane for the spontaneous.

Once we returned home and the high from the trip wore off, my bitterness and discontentment could no longer be easily hidden. The atmosphere of my home had grown cold and uninviting . It had gotten so bad that my sinful heart began to entertain the thought of leaving my husband.

I knew these thoughts and feelings didn’t line up with God’s Word. I knew what God called me to in this season. This wasn’t ignorance. I was choosing not to see the value in God’s plan for my life. In that moment, I was willing to forsake the wonderful life already given to me to find out if the grass was really greener on the other side.

I need you to know that I feel heartbroken as I type this. It’s hard to believe that I felt this strongly, but it was real and all started with a lack of self control. Eating my cares away was a carnal means of engaging in the very spiritual battle of my mind. A few rotten thoughts that I refused to expose and replace with biblical truth, the more effective weapon (2 Corinthians 10:4-5), birthed desires for a life that would have left me empty and depraved.

I know. It just got real, but it does get better.